What it Means to Apologize through the words of a Trauma Therapist

We all human beings are lacking in something or the other, so the need to give and receive apologies is very important to sustain in life. An honest apology comes naturally for a simple mistake. It’s far more difficult to apologize for a serious insult. Since we’re wired for defensiveness, it’s hard to take clear and direct charge for what we’ve said or done—or not said or done without a hint of blaming or excuse-making. 

Defensiveness is the challenge of listening, and listening is key to offering an earnest apology. When we are under any kind of attack we straightaway listen for the alterations, exaggerations, and inaccuracies that will unavoidably be there. A true apology requires us to listen otherwise. It shifts our focus to the core of what the hurt party wants us to hear. No apology will have meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. More than anything, the hurt party needs to understand it clear that our sympathy and sorrow are genuine, that their feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure there’s no repeat again. Hence, there is no greater challenge than listening to the anger and pain of someone who’s blaming us for causing it. To do so, one should have a solid scope for self-worth that one needs to stand on. While on the other hand, some people stand on a small and unstable platform of self-worth. They’re powerless to own up to the hurt they’ve caused because doing so hovers to flip them into being proved as worthlessness. The non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness along with proved to have low self-esteem.

When trauma therapists in California are faced with non-apologetic sinners, we need to walk on a kind of clinical tightrope. On the one hand, it’s not useful when we innocently shame these clients by diagnosing them as abusers, narcissists, or sexual predators. If one’s identity as a person is associated with the worst things one has done, it will be impossible to access genuine feelings of sorrow and remorse. On the other hand, it’s equally uncooperative to swing to the other extreme and deny & not share about the wrongdoer agency and their intentions. 

Thus, Good trauma therapists in Sacramento involve helping to enlarge the wrongdoer’s platform of self-worth while holding them fully accountable for their wrongdoings. Of course, some offenders never get to the point where they can admit to their intended actions, much less apologize and aim to repair them. Their shame leads to disowning which further overrides their ability to turn towards reality. And when our clients’ hurts aren’t healed, many therapists encourage forgiveness toward the offender. 

Conclusion

Therefore, we tell one thing to our clients that we hope they find a way to protect themselves from carrying so much anger and pain, many people opt for various trauma therapies with this goal in mind. It is also advised that they should forgive and outdo their legitimate anger and pain by some act of will or grace to move forward. By encouraging the hurt party to forgive, we fear leaving our customers feeling alone, disorientated, and reckless all over again.